Asperger’s Association of New England 

Practical Strategies for 

Parenting without Panic

A webinar with Brenda Dater

 

Do you ever wish that having a child on the autism spectrum came with instant access to a support group?
Brenda Dater, author of Parenting without Panic and Director of Child and Teen Services at AANE, has provided parents with exactly that. Brenda addresses parents’ frequently asked questions with warmth and humor. If you’ve ever wondered when to talk to your child or other family members about a diagnosis, how to foster resilience in your child, or how to bring a little less chaos to your daily life, grab your coffee and join Brenda for practical tips to help you feel more confident and hopeful and parent with less panic.
 Date: Monday, September 29, 2014

Time: 10:00 a.m. – 11:30 a.m. 

Fee: $40 per registered email

 

Brenda Dater, MPH, MSW, is the author of Parenting without Panic: A Pocket Support Group for Parents of Children and Teens on the Autism Spectrum (Asperger’s Syndrome). She is also the Director of Child and Teen Services at AANE where she teaches workshops, facilitates support groups ,and provides consultations for parents, grandparents, and professionals. Brenda is the mom of 3 boys; 2 of whom have diagnoses of Asperger’s and ADHD.

 

Payment Options

 

Credit card through Paypal 

(you do not need a Paypal account to use your credit card)

or 

Paypal
(make sure to use the email address associated with your
Paypal account)

 

REGISTER NOW

A recording of this presentation will be available
at the close of the class to registered participants

Webinar Registration

• Advance registration with payment is required for all webinars 24 hours before the webinar start time
• AANE reserves the right to cancel a webinar if the minimum enrollment is not met by the registration deadline
• If AANE cancels a webinar due to weather or a public emergency, and the webinar will not be rescheduled, registrants may sign up for an alternate date if available
• You will receive a refund if you are unable to make up a webinar canceled by AANE

Fees

• Webinar fees must be paid at the time of registration; reservations cannot be made without total payment
• No prorated/reduced fees if you cannot attend a full webinar
• If you register for a webinar and are a no-show, there are no refunds or credits given to attend another webinar.  We will make every attempt to forward you materials and a link to a recording, if available
• If you are an AANE member and would like a second family member to attend, please contact

Access

 

To access this training you will need:

• A desktop or laptop with Internet access (tablets and smartphones might not support this technology)
• Speakers or headphones that are attached to the computer or a telephone

Participants can also access this training without a computer by using a telephone, which will give you access to the AUDIO ONLY.

 

Be prepared to log in 15 minutes before the scheduled time.

 

Once you have completed the registration process, a confirmation email will be sent with instructions on how to access your online class.

 

Registration for this class is ONLINE ONLY. Once you register, a confirmation email will be sent with instructions on how to access your online class.

 

HELP! MY Young Adult IS USING

DRUGS!

Are you worried your young adult is drinking and/or using drugs?

Are you feeling confused about what to do?

First thing to understand, This is not your fault.

The Wayside Parent-Peer Partnership Program

is offering a free 8 week educational program for parent’s whose young adults are using drugs or alcohol.

A variety of topics and strategies will be discussed

The group will meet:

September 27 thru November 13

Thursday 6:30 pm to 8:00 pm

at

Wayside Youth & Family Support Network

88 Lincoln St,

Framingham, MA. 01702

Space is limited, Pre-registration is required.

please contact

John Allen 508 620 0010 x189

Irene Roche 508 620 0010 x108

Do you ever struggle with temper tantrums at your house? You know what they involve: yelling, screaming, bad-language, and all-out loss of control until you almost can’t take it anymore and you just want to…put yourself in time out? Yes, I’m talking about our own parental “temper tantrums,” which we’ve all been known to experience at one point or another as we raise our kids. Read on for tips on how to stay in control.

Children are notorious for bringing out the best in us as parents. There are moments when we find we are better people because of them; we may model better behavior, be more honest, forgiving, caring, and kind. And then there are those moments when our kids bring out the very worst in us. These are the times when we are exhausted, overworked, stressed to levels we never knew existed — and the next thing we know we are no calmer than a toddler, yelling and screaming, red-faced and enraged. Here’s the truth: losing your temper is a fact of life, one that is very normal, albeit upsetting, when it happens. But there are solutions that can help you stay calm and regain control. Follow these eight steps and you should be able to see a change in your approach very soon.

 

Step 1: Recognize your triggers.
The first step to look at is why you lose your temper. Understanding our triggers as adults is just as important as trying to figure out what sets our kids off so that we can help them control themselves. As the mother of a proverbial middle child teenager who also has ADD,  and has a hard time controlling his impulses, I know that what triggers me is his bad attitude. When he starts with negativity or backtalk, it’s important for me to take a step back and really focus on how I’m feeling at the moment: my neck tenses, my cheeks feel flushed, and, having a hot temper myself, I can almost taste the words readying themselves to roll off my tongue in response! By recognizing my emotional triggers as well as the physical sensations in my body that are associated with them, I am better equipped to say, “Okay, I know that I’m not going down a good path. Stop.” Some triggers at your house might include your toddler saying “No!” for the one-hundreth time that day, your middle schooler rolling her eyes at you, or your high schooler failing to do their chores…again. When you are able to recognize what frustrates you the most, you are on the path to stopping your temper from boiling over.

 

Step 2: Find new ways to communicate.
For most parents, what we feel the worst about after we lose it is how we’ve talked to our child. Too often parents fall into bad communication habits we learned from our own parents when we were growing up. These can include giving our kids the silent treatment, withdrawing from the family, giving overly harsh punishments in the heat of the moment, yelling, saying snide or sarcastic remarks, swearing and name calling. It’s very easy to fall into this pattern, especially when you have a toddler screaming at you or a teenager swearing and getting in your face. But again, it’s important to remember that you are modeling how to deal with anger and frustration for your child, not just in their childhood and adolescence but for when they are adults as well. This is not to say that you can’t express anger, disappointment, or frustration with your child. Sometimes it’s important that our kids know we aren’t happy, but we have to find ways to express our feelings in an appropriate manner. When you are feeling overwhelmed and fear you might resort to less-than-helpful ways to communicate your frustration, finding a way to stay calm is key. (More on that next.)

Step 3: Find your strategies to calm.
Finding a calming strategy that works for you can stop you from losing your temper.  Some ideas are:

• Walk away (literally): When you find you are about to lose it, walk away from your child.  Not only does this prevent you from starting down the wrong path, it models for your child an appropriate response when they are feeling overwhelmed themselves. For older kids, feel free to say, “You know, I’m not ready to talk to you about this right now so I’m going to be alone for a few moments until I can calm down.”
• Practice deep breathing: There are many times when I stop mid-sentence, sit down and use deep breathing to calm myself. This makes my teenagers nuts, but it really works. While sitting upright, place both feet on the floor. Place one hand on your abdomen beneath your rib cage. Inhale slowly and deeply through your nose into the bottom of your lungs, sending the air as low down as you can.  Make sure you are breathing from your abdomen instead of shallow breathing from your chest. If you are breathing from your abdomen, your hand should actually rise and your chest should move only slightly while your abdomen expands. When you’ve taken in a full breath, make sure to pause momentarily and then slowly exhale through your nose or mouth, whichever is most comfortable, making sure you exhale fully. Practice doing ten full abdominal breaths until you are calm again.
• Count backwards: Before opening your mouth to respond, consider counting backwards towards calmness, until you are in a different place. Whether you’re driving, making dinner or trying to relax at the end of a hard day, a perfect way to stay calm and stop your anger dead in its tracks is to begin with a number that’s higher than your stress level. For some people this can be 100, for others it might be as simple as going from 10-0. Whatever number you choose, this exercise buys you time before doing or saying something you’ll regret.
• Long-term strategies: For longer-term calming practices, integrate physical exercise into your weekly routine.  We are all busy, overworked, and short on time, but one way to be the best parent possible is to practice self care. This can come in the form of yoga, meditation, running, biking or simply walking.

Step 4: Communicate calmly.
Healthy communication relies on both you and your child being calm, so do not approach them if they are still raging at you or you are still too angry to talk. For both young children as well as adolescents, keep your comments brief and to the point.

“I really don’t appreciate it when I come home form work and you haven’t done any of your chores. Please do them now.”

“I don’t like it when you take your brother’s toys and make him cry. The consequence for that is that your train now is in time-out for 20 minutes, while you practice better behavior.”

“You know the rule in our house is completing homework before television. No more TV for the night.”

When you are finished, move on to something else. Don’t dwell on what just happened.

Step 5: Choose Your Battles.
Too often our own tantrums are born out of parents feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, so it’s important to not put yourself in a position of feeling chronically overwhelmed by getting upset over every little annoying thing your child does. One way to combat this is to really think hard about what is important to try to enforce and what you can just let go of in regards to your child. For younger kids, there are a lot of daily behaviors that can be frustrating: at this age kids are messy, they cry easily, they have meltdowns, and they can be grouchy. Middle school and high school age kids are messy, can be moody, irresponsible and unfocused. Pinpoint what your family values are and decide what to tackle. Is it important that your child completes chores, has a semi-clean room, and is  respectful? If so, then make it clear what your expectations are and let the rest (the occasional mess, the roll of the eyes, the moody/grouchy behavior) roll off your back.

Step 6: Apologize when you are in the wrong.
One of the greatest gifts you can give your child is knowing when to admit you’ve done something wrong and apologizing. Some parents struggle with this, thinking that if they do this they are giving up their power or showing weakness. But ask yourself what it is you want to teach your child about grown-up relationships. Surely we want our kids to know when they’ve wronged someone and teach them the importance of an apology.There’s nothing more powerful than a parent admitting their faults and offering a sincere apology. Modeling this type of humility shows a child that we are all human and that even parents make mistakes.

Step 7: Find Support.
Pick trusted friends or family members who will support you through your parenting years. Find like-minded parents who you feel safe confiding in when you’ve exploded and feel ashamed or guilty. Make sure you nurture these relationships so you have a sounding board (and can return the favor) when you are at your wits end. Important: Do not divulge your worst parenting moments to other parents or family members who are judgmental, or who express shock or dismay at your momentary lapse in parenting judgment. These people will only make your feel worse about yourself and will suck the energy out of you.

Step 8: Be Kind to Yourself.
Lastly, practice self-care by being kind and forgiving towards yourself. Parents are harder on themselves than any other group of individuals I know of. This is born out of intense feelings of love and concern for our kids, as well as the desire to get it all right all the time. But there’s no such things as a perfect parent who does it all right, all the time. Most of us are lucky if we can get through the day being a “good enough” parent. Whether you lose your temper once or twenty times, acknowledge to yourself that you’ve made mistakes, and commit to doing better in the future. Acknowledge that you aren’t perfect, that you may have future tantrums, but that you are human and fallible. Forgive yourself for past indiscretions and move forward with the goal that you will start each day aiming to try your best, forgiving yourself if you weren’t great, and praising yourself when you find you are parenting at your best.

by Dr. Joan Simeo Munson

Please note that the System of Care meetings are open to parents: Parents are encouraged to attend.

______________________________________________________

Wayside Youth & Family Support Network

Community Service Agency

Framingham Area

SYSTEM OF CARE COMMITTEE

July 24, 2014

Minutes

Resources/Announcements:

Ann Killion/Wayside Parent Partnership spoke about their monthly parent support group and a special topic group (TBA) Transitioning from summer back to School. All groups are free and open to any parents. Flyers will be distributed soon. See resources from Tracy for list of on-going groups.

Danielle Mendiola announced that Arbour has changed several of their phone numbers and sent out a flyer with all new numbers. Additionally Arbour just opened a new adolescent partial program in Worcester, ages 13-17, MBHP only. For more information contact email Danielle at .

Presentation: Ann Killion/Wayside Parent Partnership Program gave a presentation on how to assist families with preparing for IEP or other school meetings. She shared the following information and provided tips while the group asked questions.

• Build a positive relationship with at least one person that will be attending the meeting.

• Plan ahead: write down your child’s strengths, what they need the most help with, goals for the year, homework concerns, and what they like most about school.

• Federal law requires that schools provide support to families through CPACs, linkage to support groups, and accessing the Federation for Children with Special Needs.

• Parents are able to bring any support persons to a meeting to assist them. When parents are planning to bring any professional supports they should notify the school.

• After the meeting, parent should ask for a name and contact information of one person they could contact if they have any questions.

• Parents can request a copy of the attendance sheet and any notes from the meeting.

• Parents do not have to sign an IEP at the time of the meeting, they should take time to review the document and write down any questions.

• If parents need assistance in understanding their child’s IEP they can request a member of the school review it with them. If they would like a neutral party they can seek assistance through their local CPAC or through the Federation for Children with Special Needs.

The following guide from the Federation for Children with Special Needs can be downloaded by going to: http://www.fcsn.org/parentguide/parentguide.pdf

Next meeting: August 28^th 1-2 @ The Greater Framingham Community Church, 44 Franklin Street

 

Sibling club is starting up again in Framingham.  See details below: 

The Parent Partnership is pleased to offer a FREE group for siblings

(Ages 6-12) of children/adolescents with mental health challenges.

 

When a brother or sister has mental health challenges, the sibling(s) may also be impacted.

This support group will allow siblings of children with mental health issues

to “kick back”, relax and have some fun with other siblings

who are experiencing similar life situations.

 

The club will focus on helping the self-esteem and resiliency of the sibling to better the relationship

between the sibling and the brother or sister with mental health issues.

The group will meet every other week and will eat pizza, share stories, journal, play games,

do arts & crafts, and in general laugh a lot together.

 

We Meet:

 

Mondays: 9/29, 10/13, 10/27, 11/10, 11/24, 12/8, 2014

 

6:00pm to 7:30pm

At:

Wayside Youth & Family Support Network

88 Lincoln Street

Framingham MA

 

JPre-registration is required for the set of 6 Sib Club meetings.

JRegistration Night is 9/15/14 at 6pm at Wayside 88 Lincoln Street Framingham

 

Please contact: Ann Killion MS, Parent Support Coordinator (508) 620-0010 ext. 194

or email

 

Ann Killion, MS

Parent Support Coordinator

Parent Partnership Program

Wayside Youth & Family Support Network

88 Lincoln Street

Framingham MA 01702

www.waysideyouth.org